I've been away for way too long But then, it's one of my issues, i guess, to disappear sometimes ... and then having a problem to come back. That's just me But then, on the other hand, i really can't stay away from here for ever, now can i? ... so, i'm back.
In the mean time, in RL, i have found what i have been looking for. Thanks to my PDoc and other therapists, i now can give my problems a name. That's not the most important, but it helps. What does make a difference is the meds and the help i'm getting now. It gives me at least some rest, shelter and comfort. To make a long story short, i have been diagnosed with Schizo Affective Disorder and probably a some issues in (what the therapist called) the autistic spectrum.
Knowing doesn't make my life better, but in time and with help, it might make it worth living.
How deep does the rabbit-hole goes? I'm not sure i want to know
I have a lot to do before i can even start to think about fighting. It this moment, it sometimes is even too hard to try to understand even my own life. I get confused, disorientated and scared a lot over it. I often try not think about it and just go on with my life. But somehow, that doesn't work very well anymore. In the last few months, however, i have learned so much about myself and about my past. I always thought that my childhood and early adulthood have been pretty much normal, except for the fact that i liked to be alone a lot and that i was picked on a lot during my school-years. I was so wrong! People around me (family and friends) have told me things about myself and my past that i didn't know or know very little about. The two that shocked me the most are ... As a child, i used to bang my head. Sometimes just lying on my bed and banging it on my pillow, but sometimes against walls and doors. Somewhere between my 15th and 20th i had schizophrenic episodes. I really did hear voices and often asked them to go away. Both the headbanging and the voices have been long gone, but i always have had my spooks and ghosts. I have learned to accept them and learned to life with them .... now, i have the feeling i have to start all over again ...
How deep does the rabbit-hole goes? I'm not sure i want to know
Back
Posted - 04/05/2008 : 12:45:49
... so, i'm back.
