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dizzydean
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Posted - 01/29/2008 : 06:40:29

I want to intrroduce a thread here that is an on-going discussion of what it's like parenting with a mental illness. I look forward to others' stories, input and experiences dealing with same.

I personally don't know what's normal or abnormal when it comes to parenting, children's behavior and so forth...

This was the vent I wrote in my journal the other day:

I was a good Momma today.

I can't say that about everyday.

Sometimes I yell too much.

Sometimes I don't have the energy to even give dd a bath.

Sometimes we eat junk food all day.

Sometimes I'm:
inpatient
grouchy
distracted
fatigued
selfish
detached
resentful
too busy
self-absorbed
over-protective
short-tempered
cognitively impaired
forgetful
messy

Dizzy

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.."
Og Mandino

Zep
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Posted - 01/29/2008 : 09:56:59

I think that list could apply to any parent on a bad day, dizzy! Certainly to me...

Could it be that the main difference between a parent and a parent with a mental illness is guilt? When you think about it, we are so much more aware of everything that we do 'wrong' because we get told so often and judged so often.

Like you, I often have days when I feel so inadequate as a parent, I have days when I just want to run away (from the younger one particularly)....but every parent I've ever spoken to(yes, I know 'normal' ones too!! :)) has said the same sort of thing.

Maybe we are better parents overall because we are more aware of the importance of developmental issues, mental health issues, and because we try so much harder to be good parents as it doesn't come easily?

Just some thoughts...

Z.

dizzydean
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Posted - 01/29/2008 : 17:41:47

Thank you, Zep, for making me look at some of the positives.

Tonight, I am working on 2.5 hour long panic attack. Not sure what brought it on..could be the high winds, or the fact that I haven't been wanting to leave the house....

So, dd and I have yet to do ANY homework (and it is now 1 hour before bedtime) and I didn't take her to her dance class, which she has missed since before Christmas due to her ilnesses....

How do you explain to a five yr old, that you're having a panic attack, but don't worry, Momma's fine....she just needs to rest for a little bit....

OH, and the bean soup never got finished...she's eating applesauce in front of the tele.

Dizzy

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.."
Og Mandino

Zep
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Posted - 01/29/2008 : 18:12:09

Dizzy, I've parented 14 children, and of course they are all quite different, so there is no set 'rule' to it....but in general, I think that children a)understand much better than we adults give them credit for; and b)are far more forgiving than adults. If a child knows that s/he is loved and cared for, then missed dance lessons don't matter.

I have always explained aspects of my illness to our kids as I think they can understand them so that they don't worry, so that they know I'll be Ok again soon. In my experience, it's when we try to hide things from kids that they worry the most. Also, if a child believes that s/he is able to *help* in some way, that goes a long way towards mitigating the negative aspects of mental illness (without putting inappropriate responsibility on the child of course - I mean like getting mummy a glass of water, running mummy a bath, etc).

I hope your panic attack is over....

Zep

dizzydean
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Posted - 01/29/2008 : 18:21:59

Well, the Ativan helped, a bit. I still feel short of breath and ?dizzy?

I'm just going to take my nighttime meds a little early, and go lie down with my daughter.

Although, at times, lying down can make my racing thoughts worse....nevermind, I'm not going to get that started....

thanks for the support. but right now i'm feeling pretty much like a crummy mummy....

must shut down the thoughts for tonight, and rethink in the morning....

Dizzy

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.."
Og Mandino

dizzydean
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Posted - 01/30/2008 : 05:32:20

Feeling muych better this morning. Although I had some trouble sleeping and nightmares.

I know I'm not a bad momma all the time, or a good one all the time either. I just hate my inconsistency.

I am curious about what you said, Zep, about sharing part of your illness with the children. She see's me take my medications everyday, and I'm sure she notices the mood swings, but I don't really know how I would address that with her. She's a very intelligent, but extremely sensitive child.

ANd now tonight I am going out of town, and she's not going. I feel like I am abandoning her....after not being emotionally avaliable last night, and not physically available tonight.

Dizzy

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.."
Og Mandino

mom22galz
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Posted - 01/30/2008 : 06:32:09

Consistency is the key with which I also have trouble. Cognitively, I know the good from the bad. What wrecks havoc on the psyche vs what builds self-esteem. But my knowledge doesn't make it any easier to keep my catastrophizing synapses from spewing forth out of my mouth.

I couldn't bring myself to reply to your thread yesterday, even tho it was a fairly good day with the kids. As I read your post, I couldn't hold back the tears. My youngest was sooo happy on her way to nursery school yesterday afternoon -- simply because I hadn't gotten mad at her all day. This was such an event that she bragged to her sister about it on the way home.

God, not being yelled at should be a daily occurrence, not something to brag about!!

I am not a good mother. It's not that I don't want to be a great mom, I'm just not capable. Too irritable, too impatient, too... bipolar?? Not rational, prone to being sucked into a downward spiral, pessimistic, sarcastic. But their dad can't even put a roof over his own head, never mind care for his children. So I'm all they've got. Pity for them.

My eldest is officially "gifted" which has both its perks and downfalls. She is far too bright and grasps things which fly over the heads of her peers. That's one of the issues with her dad not keeping their convos age appropriate. She has also begun developing way early, which is further complicating life. Yay, hormones! I so want to protect her from the evils of the world. Or at least, protect her from the ravages of MI.

My ex has accused me repeatedly of projecting my problems onto her. I don't think I do that, but I surely do recognize behavioural warning signs. That said, I hesitate to bring her to any prescribing physician as I don't want to medicate my child. We are doing family counselling in hopes she can learn better coping mechanisms without the need for meds. I sure don't want her to be where I am in 25 years. And I figure had I learned such things early on, I'd be in a better place today. But perhaps my own (mostly) negative experience with pdocs is preventing me from getting her the help she needs.

Anyhow, back to the topic at hand. I agree 100% that kids are more worried of the unknown. I've provided mine with somewhat of an explanation. CAMH (the ctr for addiction and mental health in Toronto) has some good stuff here: http://www.camh.net/About_Addiction_Mental_Health/Child_Youth_Family_Resources/youth_books_pamphlets.html

Each child is such an individual. My youngest so far doesn't need addtional details, while my eldest is no longer satisfied with what she knows. I would rather it come from me than from the net tho. Too many fear-mongering or just plain incorrect sites she could inadvertently stumble upon. But I'm having trouble framing the second go at discussing my illness with her -- no online package seems to meet this need. Hope to have something to bring to our counselling session next month.

I have my in house CBT appt today. Guess I'd better try to create the illusion of order in my home.

Peace out,
m22g

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Zep
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Posted - 01/30/2008 : 11:07:41

I'm glad you're feeling better this morning, dizzy, and I *really* related to what you said about your little girl yesterday, m22g. Sometimes I feel like I don't ever speak to my younger son without raising my voice.

In my case, it's all rather easier, I guess, because I can say to myself 'well, without me, this kid would be in an institution/dead' - so anything else is a bonus for him. But, of course, that doesn't stop the guilt. Parenting involves so many grey areas, no matter who you are, and my mother, without a mental illness, got away with flogging me daily as a child, and making me feel like I was worthless all my life - she was, and is, considered to be a *good* mother!!

As far as explanations to a child....I usually wait until they start asking questions or there is a crisis of some sort (eg hospital admission, severe episode). I always answer questions my kids ask me honestly, not evasively....however I try to frame those answers for the child's age and level of understanding. For my 7-yr-old (who is developmentally delayed) it's very simple - 'Mummy has to take pills so that she doesn't get sick"; "Mummy sees a special doctor to help her feel better inside", etc. A couple of my older kids have coped with explanations of bipolar as an 'exaggeration' of ordinary (adolescent!) mood swings. One even managed to digest the chemical imbalance explanation. So it has varied a lot.

It doesn't sound to me like either of you are projecting your problems onto your kids....rather the opposite: you are being very, very protective. Which is a definition of a "good parent" surely?