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where my messy mind comes from....

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charchar
Starting Member

2 Posts

Posted - 08/30/2005 : 03:46:04

2 b honest i dont know where to start...
i'll start with my background....
I was adopted when i was 18 months and my parents are what you would class as snobs... i cant remember anything of my childhood but i know that i had a privilaged up bringing.
i went to boarding school and i was told who to b friends with and who to date etc.... i rebelled.... the people i hung out with were "not of the right social circle" it drove me mad. people are people no matter what...that what i thought.
my weight was also a huge problem for my mother (who is an alcoholic agraphobic) i was never thin enough, never wore the right clothes etc... so i ate. everything and anything and i got bigger. so my mum got worse.
it went on for about 8 years then the suicided attempts started, to date i am on number 15. the first time my mum called the hospital and told the nurses not to bother with me. then told me i was so stupid i couldnt even do that properly.
i bottled this all up for years then at 17 i had my first breakdown. nothing was done about i was told that i was fine.
i kept going. on the outside i was letting it go over me but inside i took it all in and soaked it up.
3 years ago i had my last breakdown, i was hospitalised and kind of got better, i have good days and bad, the bad are pretty bad...
i now have a partner who doesnt really love me and cheats all the time but i love him so so much and a 6 month old daughter who is the centre of my world.
well thats me in a nut shell....
i hope that there is someone out there who understands where i am coming from....

soul3805
Full Member (100+ posts)

124 Posts

Posted - 08/30/2005 : 05:19:54

well hI there char. thanks for sharing I know a few people here that totally understand where you are coming from. It would be easy to say oh char don't think about what's already years In your past.. but In reality things don't happen like that. you just do not forget it is woven into you. as for your partner who Is un loyal to you. well you surely have earned and deserve a more honest truthful dedicated person to be with I understand that you have so so much love for him sounds unconditional at least coming from you. and that type of caring should not be spent or wasted on a person who dose not love you that way back. the only one you should be thinking about Is your beautiful baby girl she Is right where she should be ...the center of your world. she Is the one you must be here for to love unconditionally .
you (un like the parents who brought you up ) are right! people are people no matter what. It Is what's Inside that matters In the long run In the end It Is what Is Inside! I was AM the weird freak kid no one wanted to know or be around. I was a poor loser .wore hand me downs. hell In high school I had to sneak In to get a shower and bum food from the lunch ladies I was on my own at 15. how one looks or their status In the social circle Is meaningless unless you love a brown nose.lol.
your attempts are sad to hear about. but I am glad you are stIll around and I have this time to meet you. I wish someone would have enough heart to have cared before and taken the attempts seriously you ARE NOT STUPID sweetie you are figuring out yourself despite what the world around you Is trying to make you be ,think, act... have you sought help from a psy or councilor recently? I think that'd be a wise thing to do for you and your baby. I think all of us here see someone pro for help and also most of us are on meds. yet stIll the depression monster Is dancing on our minds and I do not see a stupid woman or a weak, crazy ugly person either I see a loving mother and a partner, a strong warrior who even though at times has lost hope and fallen... has pulled herself back up( all on her own ) to stand again and keep going and now you are here and that honey Is so extremely awesome. Id like to keep talking but I think maybe giving you my email may be a better Idea. It Is versetmb@yahoo.com all small letters no caps. maybe If you feel like It you could email me . so for now Id say seek out some help from a councilor or another pro . you can get help by calling any h.r.s. place In the u.s.a. and also 911 when things are ugly. maybe your partner would consider coming with you. If not then go alone sister but please look Into It. I hope to hear back from you soon. and I know someone else will be along to post advice shortly. all the best char. I will send a big wish to you for strength courage and a huge happy ending now go give your baby a tight hug and kiss never forget she needs you momma keep her safely In your loving arms to her, you are god, she will always love you NO MATTER WHAT. !! kids rule!! many blessings char. please post again soon or email me versetmb@yahoo.com
hope your day today is a good one . really happy you posted and looking foreward to getting to know more about you.

there can be no rainbows without coulds and storms SOUL3805

tiggygirl
Full Member (100+ posts)

151 Posts

Posted - 08/30/2005 : 13:33:56

Hi Charchar. Thank you so much for sharing. I can definitely relate to your story except for the privileged childhood and being adopted. I grew up poor with parents who were verbally and physically abusive to me. Nothing I did or said was ever good enough. If I got an "A" on a test I would be asked why didn't I get an A+? I was called stupid, useless, worthless! My friends were never the right breeding or intelligence. I was constantly compared to other peoples children who always seemed to do everything just right. It was all about approval and what would the neighbors think? Children should be seen and not heard. You know, all that crap! I was not allowed to have feelings or to show them because if I did, it would be met with abuse so I learned to suck it up and keep it bottled up inside. I got engaged at 17 and was thrown out of the house. To keep a long story short, I married twice and both men were abusive towards me and cheated on me. I had come full circle. Thank God for my three children. I think I am still here because of them. I have had bouts of depression throughout my life and have had many suicidal thoughts but I never carried them out because of my children.

So my friend, I understand. I see you as someone who is very strong. You would have to be to survive all that you've been through! But, we all need help to get through it all. I agree with Soul that counseling and therapy would be a good idea. Have you been to your family doctor yet? That is the first step. Tell your doctor exactly how you are feeling and once a diagnosis is made, you will be taking the first step to getting your life back in order. And, in turn, making a better life for your wonderful baby girl. Take care of yourself. You are worthy of loving and being loved and respected.

You are not alone and, if you would feel comfortable in talking one on one, I will give you my email address. Please feel free to write me personally and to post as often as you would like to. We are all here for you

Take care and my email address is judycrawford@shaw.ca

Bye for now,
Jude (tiggygirl)

tru2lia
Starting Member

1 Posts

Posted - 09/02/2005 : 12:02:36

I'm 38 years old.I will start at birth with my story.I was adopted at birth.Given to abusive people.My problems started at age 8.I started acting out in school.By the time i was 9 the depression sanked in.Of been depressed ever since.I was a chubby child always teased at by my peers,and family.I was always told i was ugly.It was drilled so much in my head that now at 38 i still feel the same way.When i got into high school I felt like a real loser.I couldn't get a date to save my life.I feel like my real mother did't even want me so why would anyone else.I tried to kill myself when i was 16 years old.When my mother found me lying on the bathroom floor she said if she was stupit enough to take those pills she needs to die and left the room.I survived.Seem like guys nevered wanted me to be there girl just someone to sleep with.When i meet this guy at 22 who is now my husband ask me to be his girlfriend i was thrilled.I couldn't beleive this was happening to me.All for sweet endings.I married him at age 26 and it's been a night mare ever since.He is verbally abusive.The only thing that keeps me going are my 2 beautiful children.They need me and i need them.If it wasn,t for them i would have tried to take my life again.And this time i would be sure not to miss.I can't take anti-depresents due to the fact they i have seizures.There are days where i feel like i could go to sleep and never wake up.Is there anybody out there who shares my pain?I need help bad.

tiggygirl
Full Member (100+ posts)

151 Posts

Posted - 09/02/2005 : 12:53:26

Hello tru2lia and welcome to the community. The people here are compassionate and supportive and I'm sure you will find that many of us share your pain. I am sorry you are feeling so badly. I can definitely relate to your story. Although I was not adopted, I too grew up in a family where I was abused physically and verbally. I was also married (and divorced) twice to men who abused me. I believe the verbal assaults are far worse as they tend to stick with us all through our lives. We feel terrible about ourselves and think we are unworthy of being loved, respected and treated with dignity. We tend to choose people who treat us badly because of that. I know, I've been there and I still fight with my self esteem and confidence every day.

You were saying you can't use antidepressants. Have you talked to your doctor about how you are feeling lately? Have you called a crisis line? They can be a great resource to finding you some help. Have you considered getting some therapy? It can really help you work through all your issues and resolve your abusive past. You do not deserve to be abused and you and your children certainly deserve to live in a stable, safe, and loving home.

Take care of yourself and remember that there is hope. You are not alone in how you are feeling and we are all here for you. Post as often as you need or want to. Also, if you would like to talk one on one, you can write to me at my email address. judycrawford@shaw.ca

One more thing, just so your posts don't get mixed in as a reply to other posts, just start a new topic. That way we all can find you immediatly. Bye for now and best wishes.

Tiggygirl (Jude)

JamesEhmann
Starting Member

1 Posts

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warblaster
Super Incredible Member (10000+ posts)