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Mood Disorder Community
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jferwaffer
Starting Member
6 Posts
Gratitude: 1
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 Posted - 08/09/2007 : 14:04:57
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Hey everyone,
Typically, I try to pretend that I have a perfect life, but I am begining to realize that if I don't talk about it, then I will become more stressed, apathetic, and withdrawn. I feel quilty for being needy, it has taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I need to be taken seriously and listened to. So, I guess I'll give you all a little background about me. My father has been physically and mentally abusing me for as long as I can remember. The hard part about this is that I can't tell anyone, I don't want anyone to think that he is a bad guy. The truth is, he is a great dad. He loves me and wants what is best for me, it's just that he loses his temper at times and takes it out on me. My mother is physically disabled. I feel like I need to take care of her, but nothing I ever do is good enough for her. In order for me to live up to her expectations, I need to be perfect. I'm a junior in college with a 3.8 GPA, but I am a failure in her eyes because it's not a 4.0. When I was little, my grandfather had a brain tumor which changed his behavior. I was molested and raped by him until he died when I was almost 4 years old. Before college, I never had many friends. I was an outcast and especially during elementary school, I was teased all the time. In junior high, I had a few problems with male classmates sexually harrassing me. My first kiss was taken by one of my older sister's drunk friends. When I was a senior in high school, I went out on my first date with a guy from my class who seemed to be a good Christian guy. He ended up almost raping me. The next summer, I went on a date with another guy who tried to rape me. The guy I went on a date with this year ended up stealing from me. I say all this not to try to get people to feel bad for me, the truth is that overall I have had a good life, but just to show that I have a huge problem with trust, and not the best judgement when it comes to men. I don't really remeber where I was going with all of this, but thanks to anyone who took the time to read my rambling.  |
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| MelbournePhoenix
Full Member (100+ posts)
111 Posts
Gratitude: 49
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Posted - 08/09/2007 : 19:07:46
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Hello jferwaffer,
Please don't feel there is anything wrong with you if you feel you are struggling. What you have been through in your life is shocking, nobody could go through that and not be thrown off balance. I suffer from chronic depression and anxiety and have received nothing but support through family,friends and therapy all my life.
I think you are very,very strong. There is no way I could have coped with what you have been through.
We all feel needy, it's a basic human desire. Even the most confident people in the world feel the need to be needed.
Please do not put youself down. As I said before I think you are incredibly strong
Love and hugs.....MelbournePhoenix |
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| firebird
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1555 Posts
Gratitude: 561
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Posted - 08/17/2007 : 16:49:09
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Dear jferwaffer, its very natural you want to pretend you have/had a perfect life. I understand you do it to cope. Like denial its a brilliantly adapted survival strategy that humans have evolved in order to survive. Phoenix is right you are strong and it shows you have survivor genes. Only problem is it doesn't last forever and it gets in the way of life when we are eventually safe' and want to move on.
Sexual, physical and emotional abuse is not a 'good life', its a terrible one. You have suffered from the awful treatment of those that should of cared and protected you. For that, YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT!. You have done nothing wrong. I suspect you struggle with a lot of powerful feelings, particularly, anger, anxiety and depression that you cannot control. You have been abused and you have every right to be heard and validated. From the sounds of it those around you, particularly your mother, father and siblings live in denial. They do not want to hear the truth. First you need someone on your side to give you support and help you feel listened too and taken seriously. Its important that you seek out psychological counseling, trauma counseling in particular. If you dont seek help there is a good chance this thing will affect you relationships and you will keep making the same mistakes and not know why. You may need to read as much as you can about Complex PTSD. Its not the PTSD of trauma that happens once, like car accident, a rape, a bomb, a natural disaster, its the long drawn out trauma over an extended period of time, where one has no escape, such as childhood, or hostage ect. Look it up.
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/types-of-ptsd/
You will know from your feelings if this has meanings for you and your experiences. Check out this one too, its a little long but it holds much in explanation to what goes on inside.
http://www.onnovdhart.nl/articles/jts_complex_%20ptsd.pdf
Bad things happen to good people in life. Many people all around the world live through traumatic experiences. You have no reason to be ashamed.
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| xek
Amazing Member (1000+ posts)
1927 Posts |
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